Simply Divine
by HoldoutTrout
Summary: SG1's time on Earth is done. But the story isn't over. SamandJack, DanielandVala sort of. Crackfic.
1. Sam Carter: Goddess

Title: A Day in the Life of Your Typical Goddess: Or How Sam Keeps the Universe Running

Fandom: Stargate, only a crackified Stargate in which the characters are either all ascended and/or gods and goddesses

Rating: PG

Category: Crack fic.

Pairing: Sam/Jack (pretty light, though)

* * *

Samantha was aware of Daniel's presence as soon as he crossed the borders into her realm, but she continued her work, furiously scribing new Laws so that they would be ready in case the mortals managed to suss out the current physical boundaries. She tracked Daniel's progress through the illusory labyrinth that guarded her home, since he tended to get lost when he was too distracted. Today, however, he seemed focused and determined to reach her, and just as she finished writing the last word of the latest group of Laws--one she was particularly proud of, actually; it managed quite nicely to firm up the Boundaries between realms while still allowing the gods relatively easy access across the lines of time and space--when Daniel, still writing in his ever-present book, appeared at her door.

"Daniel," she greeted. "Did your apprentices throw you out in utter disgust again?"

Every once in a while, Daniel's apprentices would get tired of him peering over their shoulders, making sure they were capturing every last jot of history perfectly correctly, and would shove him out the door and ask him to visit Sam--for his own good. He pretended to mind, and they pretended he was in control.

He pushed his glasses up his nose--an affectation acquired from his time as a sort-of mortal--and said, "Actually, I'm here today because we have a problem."

A problem that Daniel brought to her could only mean one thing.

"Jack."

"And Vala."

Sam hmmm-ed and sighed in exasperation. There was a reason, when they were mortal (some more than others, as Daniel was wont to ignore the Rules and kept coming back), that they had kept Jack and Vala apart. It wasn't that Sam was worried about her husband (and honestly, why had they decided to separate for that particular adventure, anyway? Completely ridiculous), but Vala was Trouble. Literally. And Jack was... mischievous, playing with all sorts of beings that got grand ideas and tried to take over the galaxy.

Sam suddenly remembered. Oh yes, that's why they were separated. Because the Goa'uld? Totally Jack's fault. She had been quite annoyed with him, and even more annoyed at having to descend to fix it. Again.

"What have they done this time?" she asked.

"Oh, not much...yet. They're playing with the 'gates."

Sam frowned. No, she glared. And while she was, in fact, remarkably beautiful when angry, she tended to also...electrocute people who were around her when she lost her temper. Daniel shuffled away from her.

But she gathered herself together and pulled in her power, including Daniel. One moment, they were in her workshop, pressure building in their ears; the next, they were standing in front of a squabbling Jack and Vala and a very large, very old, very impressive Stargate. It somehow gave the impression of being denser, more solid, more...shiny..., than the little planet-to-planet 'gates on the planets.

Sam stormed up to the platform. Thankfully, most of Sam's readily available power had gone into transporting her and Daniel right to the 'gate, so all that came off her were impressive-looking, but mostly harmless, sparks.

"Jack O'Neill! What do you think you're doing to my 'gate?"

Jack jumped, startled, as Vala rolled her eyes and murmured an "Uh oh," under her breath.

Jack tried for innocent, first. "Nothing!" Sam's frown indicated she wasn't buying it. "Well, not nothing, but it was just a small thing, a little trick. Just something to entertain...oh, for cryin' out loud, it wasn't like it was gonna be permanent!"

He chanced taking his eyes off Sam for a moment, gave Daniel a very nasty glance, and mouthed, "Tattle-tale," at him. Daniel just shrugged. He'd rather endure the pranks Jack would undoubtedly pull than to risk another century of Sam's fuming. When they'd (finally) died, it had taken her a very long time to even speak to Jack, and they were still working on merging their realms, Sam being reluctant to let her perfect order dissolve into Jack's habitual chaos.

Sam wasn't really paying attention to the exchange. "What. Exactly. Were. You. Doing. To. My. Gate?"

Jack winced.

Vala answered.

"Inserting a set of protocols for a specified period of time in which all travelers through the Stargate system would emerge with a...slightly different skin tone than their usual."

Jack looked confused. "I thought we were turning their skin purple."

"That's what I said!"

"Purple!?"

Their heads swiveled back toward Sam.

"For Pete's sake--" and her face reflected a vindictive triumph as Jack glowered at the name, "the color controls are set perfectly, and it took me ages to get them just right," and she was grumbling now as she stalked to the side of the 'gate and opened an access panel, "and I'm going to have to spend ages, simply ages, resetting them."

"No kidding," Vala said. "Those things are complicated."

Daniel kicked her ankle subtly, but Sam barely noticed, her head buried in the flashing crystals and wires and whatever the heck else made the damn thing work, anyway.

"They've never been the same since I had to let Bob take over the maintenance for me while we fixed your last mistake, anyway," she added, sounding, despite her earlier anger, almost cheerful. Daniel knew she loved fiddling with the 'gate system, no matter what the cause, and Jack had apparently realized she was more or less over her anger, because he relaxed. A little.

"Hey," he said. "We were going to input a time limit. Really. Two, three decades, tops."

She pulled her head out of the access panel and frowned. He flinched back, but then smiled disarmingly. "Need any help? When we're done, we could...go fishing."

She snorted and put her head back. After a few seconds, she said reluctantly, "Okay, you can come over once I'm done."

Jack grinned happily while Daniel just shook his head. Vala stuck her hand through his arm.

She said plaintively, "I'm bored. Let's go..."

"No," Daniel said automatically, starting to drag her away from the 'gate.

"But..."

"No."

"We could always..."

"No."

And with Sam focused on technology, Jack focused on Sam (and the promise of after-'gate-fixing sex), Vala focused on Daniel focused on keeping Vala out of trouble, the universe heaved a sigh of relief, everything being back to its own relative sort of normal.

Bob just felt insulted for no particular reason he could think of, but did a couple of glowy exercises and got over himself.


	2. Sweet Dreams

Sweet Dreams (Are Not Made of This)

* * *

Daniel rubbed his nose, staring in befuddlement at the scene before him.

A picnic basket. Champagne. Vala, naked. Strawberries. A sweeping glade.

Vala.

Naked.

That was just so...wrong?

"Come here," she said, beckoning him over.

He went.

She sat up, tugged at his arm so he sat down abruptly, put her arms around his right arm and shoulder.

"Vala," he began, "What is thi--"

He was cut off by a kiss. But not from Vala. Someone had reached around from behind him and put their hands over his eyes, leaned over. He could feel their--her--hair tickling his nose, and he could smell--

"Sha're?"

She giggled. "Hello, Danyel."

Well, this was better, but Vala--Sha're removed her hands from his eyes, and Vala was still there, in front of him.

Naked.

Something was wrong, here.

Sha're sat down, and Daniel was distracted for a moment.

Huh. Also naked.

Definitely wrong.

He had a brief moment of panic when the thought of alien trickery or mind games or virtual reality dream haunting swept through him, and then he remembered that they were past all that. Of course, they were--no offense--supposed to be past Sha're, too. Daniel had never personally experienced love for a mortal until Sha're, but she wasn't supposed to be here, yet.

And then there was Vala. Who was naked.

Admittedly, when they were mortal, Daniel had been attracted to her. And she had gone out of her way to be attractive to him. But that was mostly a product of the horrors she'd had to endure as a mortal. It had been a mortal love, and wasn't like Sam and Jack's, whose love transcended... blah, blah blah. Insert cliche here, Daniel thought. Some things learned as a mortal stuck, it seemed. Like learning to loathe cliches.

It was the third naked woman that clued him in.

He woke up.

"Vala!"

He heard a stifled snort of amusement.

She was evil, Daniel decided.

"Very funny, Vala."

She poked her head around the door to his workroom. "Thought you might be missing some of the...perks," she grinned evily, "of your time as a mortal."

He sighed. "Your cast needs a little work."

Vala pouted. "You don't find me attractive?"

"You're just fine, Vala," he rolled his eyes. "But Catherine?"

Vala's eyes widened innocently. "She's a very good-looking woman. Even better when she was younger, of course, but I wasn't sure if you'd recognize her as a thirty-year-old."

Daniel was reminded of the way he'd felt as a mortal when Vala had been around: unsettled, annoyed, and more than a little exasperated.

"Very funny."

"I try.

Daniel just shook his head, yawned.

"I could always put Sam in next time," she offered.

"No."

"But she's very beautiful."

"Then you can put her in your dreams." The trouble with that, as Vala knew, was that--unless one of them was very distracted--they knew when their image was being usurped. Daniel wasn't willing to risk Sam's ire, and he knew Vala wasn't, either.

"Fine," Vala pouted. She practically flounced out of the room, but called over her shoulder, "Sweet dreams!"

Daniel sighed again, this time in relief, and decided he'd had enough for one day. He closed his books and turned off the light, making sure his door locked tightly behind him. No sense in inviting Trouble.


End file.
